Teacher Training: Hogwarts Edition
by Zoken
Summary: Teachers from Hogwarts and a few select others are wisked away to the states to attend a training seminar for teachers. Trelawny predicts doom, and for once she manages to guess right.
1. No Good Can Come Of This

Teacher Training: Hogwarts Edition

To start this one off, I have to remind you all that the original Teacher Training story was done by the wonderfully talented Toddfan, and revolved around X-Men: Evolution. I asked her and gained permission to use the idea, and even her setting myself. If you enjoy this idea, and remember X-Men Evolution, please see the original Teacher Training, and other stories from Toddfan. So, without further ado…

Nothing Good Will Come of This

Bill and Charlie Weasley looked around the room they'd been called to. It was surprisingly quiet. It was the Staff Room at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. "Hello?" the elder Weasley called.

"Ah, William, please, come in," Greeted the wizened Headmaster.

The two stepped in tentatively. "What's going on here?" Charlie asked.

"Well," Albus Dumbldore explained, as the door locked behind the last two people he'd called. "My friend from the States, Charles, has informed me of a wonderful teacher training program hosted out there. And I thought it would be a good bonding experience for the lot of us."

Bill looked around. Sure enough, there were Snape, McGonagall, Sprout, Pomphrey, Flitwick, and Hagrid. But also present were his parents and Moody. "Why us?" Bill asked fearfully.

"Because," Explained Dumbledore, as the others in the room grumbled in curiousity. "Both of you will more than likely be called to be Defense Against The Dark Arts teachers next year and the following."

"Would it help if we told you we would refuse?" asked Charlie meekly.

Just then, the door behind them opened and the Twins chucked in oddly familiar luggage. In fact upon closer examination, it was Bill and Charlie's luggage. "I'd say no," Bill surmised grimly.

"You still haven't explained who would be teaching the students," Minerva demanded.

"Ah, yes…" Dumbledore faltered for a moment. "Well… I had hoped that particular question would wait a few more seconds."

"A few more…" a bang went off and the room was filled with gas. Moody was the last one, aside from Dumbledore, to succumb and pass out.

As moody lost consciousness, he muttered, "Damn Weasley twiiiinnnnsss…" and was out cold.

"Where… Who?" asked Arthur Weasley unhappily as he woke up from where he'd been leaning on his wife's shoulder.

"In America," came the tight response of Minerva McGonagall. "And It was Albus who drugged you."

Arthur looked around. They were in a large van. Especially large given that Hagrid fit in it. In the front bench seat was Albus, driving, with Minerva next to him, and Moody snoring heavily on the glass.

Arthur was on the next bench seat back with molly on his left just starting to stir, she was leaning on the window, and Poppy on his right. He looked behind him. On the next row were his two eldest sons, and the unpopular potions master. In the very back were the deeply snoring pair of Hagrid and Pomona. For a moment Arthur wondered where Professor Flitwick was, until he saw little arms and legs motoring like mad from the very back seat, sandwiched between Hagrid and Pomona's girth. Arthur immediately stood, and reached over his sleeping boys and gave the diminutive professor a hearty tug, freeing him from his prison.

Arthur hoisted Filius over the still sleeping Weasley's and set him down between himself and Poppy. "I saw…" Filius gasped as he gulped down air. "My grandmother. She was beckoning me toward her. She said she'd discovered the fountain of youth in the middle of a muggle theme park… the singing… THE SINGING!"

Filius' ranting woke up the rest of the passengers, except Hagrid and Pomona, who continued to snore.

Arthur instinctively pushed his wife's head down as he himself ducked. A stunning curse flew over his head and struck Hagrid, finally waking the part-giant. "'ere now, no call fer 'at kinna language," he blurted out groggily.

"Moody, relax," Arthur told the wizard who had fired the curse, upon waking up in a strange place filled with others.

Alistor looked at everyone in turn with his natural eye while the magical one was spinning around quicker and quicker. He finally focused both eyes on Dumbledore who gave him that twinkling look, and Moody finally relaxed back into his seat. "Knew I should have brought my galbrinthian air-squid today. Why did I use him a an excuse?"

"Now that everyone is awake," McGonagall interrupted in a frustrated tone, "Will you please tell us who is watching the children?"

"Ah," Albus sighed. "yes, well do not worry. I left Professors Sinistra and Vector in charge. "Madame Hooche will be minding the Hospital wing."

"What of our classes?" asked Filius, finally starting to calm down.

"They are being watched over by several very talented students."

"Potter," Chorused half the vehicle in an annoyed tone.

"Well… yes, he is handling the Charms class," Albus conceded. "Ms. Granger is handling Transfigurations. I was able to arrange for Prof. Grubbley-Plank to return and handle Care of Magical Creatures."

"And Potions?" demanded Severus in a hiss.

"Do not worry Severus, I made sure that it was well taken care of. You have two students taking care of your class. Excellent potion brewers, and seventh years the both of them." Albus hesitated as he heard Severus sigh in relief. "The Weasley Twins volunteered for the position."

Five minutes later, after having to forcibly keep Severus from leaping form the moving vehicle, they pulled into a small fast food restaurant for everyone to eat and stretch their legs some.

The boy behind the counter leaned back a good distance when Hagrid approached. "'ello 'ere," He greeted with a broad smile. "Alright?"

"Y-yes sir," the fearful young man replied.

The group was in the oddest assortment of clothing he'd ever seen. One woman was wearing everything in plaid. It wouldn't have been so odd if it weren't for the fact that she were in a three-piece pantsuit. Even her blouse was plaid.

One man, who wore an eye patch, was so badly scared it looked like someone had run him through the meat grinder. Their clothing was erratic.

"Weasley!" snapped Snape in a whisper. "Are you certain this thing is proper muggle attire?"

"Absolutely," Arthur nodded. "I've seen them in them myself. It appears to be preferred by those who support athletic teams teams. I thought with your support of Slytherin's house…"

"Fine," Severus cut him off and marched up to the man at the counter in his silver and green cheer leading uniform. "You will give me the… Silly-Shack Super-Silly Special. WITH NO PICKLES!" he glared his best at the cashier. "For every pickle I find… I shall kill you."

Luckily the cashier had already had most of his soul sucked out by working minimum wage and deal with others. Snape did not impress him.

Next up was Minerva in her exclusively plaid suit. "I'll have the fish sandwich and fried potatoes."

"Ma'am?" he asked. This was his one revenge on the world.

"You know, the fish-sandwich. For the side I'd like the fried potato strips." She repeated.

"I'm sorry," he replied, looking up at the menu. "I don't see that on the menu."

"you're going to make me say this aren't you?" she asked humiliated. The cashier just smiled vacantly. "I'd like the Silly Sea-saw sandwich with an order of Fabulous Funny Fries."

"one number twelve, coming up," the cashier responded.

Bill and Charlie ordered easily, bothing having gone through rebellious phases where they wanted to be muggles. They were, however, dressed in what appeared to be adult size versions of children's clothing.

"Outta the way," Moody growled as he stumped around behind the counter and took over the kitchen for a few minutes preparing his own meal. Normally he would have been stopped cold, but when he threatened to show them his BAD eye, the employees quickly scurried out of his way.

Molly ordered her own meal… and then one for the cashier, whom she said looked a bit underfed.

Arthur was the last to order (Pomona and Poppy both abstained after discovering there was no vegetarian menu). He stepped up to order, making sure to affect what he believed to be a convincing and authentic muggle American accent. "How-D yo! I'dz wreck-on to get my grub-on with your Smiley Meal supreme. Dawg."

As they sat, Snape noticed the younger Weasley's clothing. "Explain," he demanded, pointing at their shirts.

"Oh," Bill said, looking at their shirts. "Well, it's this muggle show about a poor brain-addled wizard who has to be helped through every day activities by his faithful dog. Rather touching really."

"Wizard?" Albus asked curiously. "How do you know He's a wizard?"

"Oh, well, everything in his home talks. He also travels by portraits. And I'm fairly sure his dog is actually a Krup."

"Wha's it look like?" asked Hagrid in an interested tone.

"Blue," Charlie lead off.

"Bright blue," added Bill.

"Kinda bulbous," said Charlie, stretching his shirt for Hagrid to inspect.

"hmmm… not a krup," the half-giant muttered. "It could be… but nah… they don't…"

"What is it Hagrid?" asked Minerva, setting down the tray with all of their food stuffs on it.

"Well… It looks like a Crumpled-Horn Snorkak ter be hones'," shrugged the giant.

"BAH!" roared Severus suddenly. "Pickles!"

"What's with Severus and pickles?" asked Charlie in an undertone to his old transfigurations teacher.

"Issues from his fifth year," she said simply, and explained no more.

"I'll kill… urk!"

Severus had been grabbed mid lunge and plopped back into his seat by Hagrid.

"Thank you Hagrid," Albus said quietly.

"This is humiliating," grumbled Filius from the high chair he was forced to eat in.


	2. Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

Teacher Training: Hogwarts Edition

To start off with, I beg you to read and review, and I will check out your stories as well in reciprocation (Am I bribing? does it matter?). Thank you, and enjoy.

Abandon All Hope, Ye who Enter Here

Their lunch finished, Severus restrained from killing, and all of the employees complimented (at Molly's insistence), they piled back into the van and set out once more. It didn't take long until the hum of the road began to cause Hagrid's eyes to droop. He was constantly woken though because his snores caused the windows to rattle more than the road did.

Finally they saw it loom a head in the distance. It was a large hotel in the middle of nowhere; nice, and well maintained, but with an ominous air that made Severus smile. "Now then," Dumbledore began. "We have one more of our number meeting us in the Hotel. I fear I would not have been able to surprise her as well as I would have you."

"Why's that?" asked Alistor, insulted.

"Because she is our Divinations Teacher," Albus replied serenely.

There was a moment before everyone but Albus and Molly burst out in laughter. Albus did not like to speak ill of his professors, and Molly did not like to speak ill of her son's teachers. Neither really thought that Sybil could predict the weather if the Daily Prophet was opened to the "weather" section in front of her.

They piled out of the van, and Albus handed the keys to the valet (after Alistor patted him down thoroughly). They walked into the main entrance hall to find Sybil Trelawney looking rather lost.

"Ah, Sybil, I see you made it here alright?" Albus offered.

"Yes…" she said in her falsely ethereal voice. "The inner eye has guided me to where I knew you would arrive."

Minerva, guessing, asked, "So the Headmaster's directions worked fine then?"

"Er…em… well, yes," Sybil babbled in a huff.

Albus went to the check in desk to receive the room keys, while the others milled about, looking at the lobby. Hagrid was bent over double looking at the fish in the tank, tapping a large finger against the glass. "Cute little thin's," he said to Filius.

Albus returned with thirteen cards. "These are your room keys," he announced. "Molly, Arthur, you two will of course room together. Bill, you and your brother will share a room. Poppy, Pomona, you two will have a room together." At this point Minerva gave a great groan. Dumbledore continued as if he had heard nothing. "Minerva, you and Sybil will share a room. Filius, your room is with me. Severus, you and Alistor will share a room. And Hagrid, well, you shall have a room to yourself given our number and your… size." As he had spoken everyone's name he'd handed them their card. "You room number is on the card, please don't lose them. Now, we have our first seminar in the morning. There are many seminars here, some that have nothing to do with teacher. Please, enjoy all of them. There is a full work-out facility, a bar, a five-star restaurant, and many other amenities. All I ask is that you be on time for the teaching seminars."

* * *

As soon as he had finished they hauled their belongings off to their rooms. Bill and Charlie unpacked the quickest as they each just shoved everything into a drawer. They picked up the brochures left on the table and read the different attractions. "they've got a casino," said Bill with interest.

"What is a Kah-C-No?" asked Charlie, curiously.

"Oh, little brother," Bill said, putting his arm around Charlie. "I have much to teach you."

* * *

Two rooms down the hall Molly and Arthur were still trying to get into their room. They'd already broken their first card when Arthur tried to turn it. Molly had just slid the card in to the door when Arthur, proclaiming an insight, told her to pull it out so he could use his wand. She did so quickly, causing the door to unlock. Molly quickly made her way inside, opened her traveling back and began redecorating. Arthur was kneeling beside the lock muttering, "Clever buggers. I wonder if it uses Meecrow Clips?"

* * *

Albus and Filius, the two most experienced Wizards didn't even bother with their cards. They looked both ways to check for muggles, and Filius just unlocked it with his wand. They entered, closed their doors, and waved their wands to unpack their clothing. That was when Albus noticed the item on the bed. "Hmm, I wonder what this is," he muttered, regarding the block of plastic with buttons on it.

Filius, who had a squib nephew, told him, "That is a remote control. Muggles use it to turn things on and off… somewhat like a wand."

Albus pointed the muggle-wand at the very nice entertainment center and pressed a button. Deafening music began booming from the stereo. He fiddled with the buttons, trying to make it stop. Soon the overhead fan was going (it knocked his hat off), the blinds were opening and closing, the television flickered on and off, and the television turned on.

With Filius' help, they managed to one by one, shut things off. As they were about to turn off the television, they finally took notice of what was on it. "Albus," Filius squeaked. "Those muggles aren't wearing clothes."

"Yes… and if I'm not mistaken they're about to…" they turned they're heads as the man and woman on the screen got into a very interesting position.

"Oh my…" Filius muttered. He pointed his wand at the screen and it turned off. "We will never speak of this again."

"Interesting what the muggles come up with, though," Albus commented as he went about fiddling with the remote again.

"Stop messing with that, Albus," Filius chided him.

"I'm sorry, my friend, but there is one button here that I'm not sure of the function of," Albus replied. He kept pressing it again and again, looking around for what it did.

* * *

Two rooms over, Severus, who had just laid down for a moment, was being attacked by his bed. "MOODY!" yelled the greasy-haired wizard. "STOP THIS INFERNAL THING!"

"I know what to do about this," Growled the ex-auror. He waved his wand, and he had covered his face in white and red paint, his clothing had turned into a clowns clothing. "Muggles do this when animals do that." He started jumping around, trying to get the bed's attention.

The bed bucked, and bent and slammed the poor, helpless potions master around before it finally threw him across the room. "I must get out of here before I commit homicide," Snape growled. Severus stalked out of the room.

Alistor vanished his make-up and straightened his muggle clothing, before going about searching the room for non-existent traps and curses.

* * *

Hagrid, who had unpacked just as easily as the Weasley boys had, was having himself a relaxing drink down in the bar. That was when he heard the most beautiful voice in his memory.

"'Agrid?" called Madame Olympe Maxime, Headmistress of the Beauxbatons Academy of Magic in France.

"Olymp'?" Hagrid asked as he raised himself from his stool to embrace her. "What 're you doin' 'ere?"

"Ze teecheeng seminars," she replied. "I zought I might beneefit from ze experience."

"Well, I'll be tickled pink, Professor Dumbledore has us booked for them too," Hagrid replied. "Maybe we'll see each other in them?"

"Sadly," she replied "I do not zink. I am in a group wiz muggle teacherz, including one razzer rude doctor."

"Well, I'm sorry Olymp," Hagrid said comfortingly.

"Well, I'm sure we can find plenty of time to be togezzer," she winked flirtatiously.

Hagrid's cheeks flushed and for once it had nothing to do with libations.

* * *

And else where, Minerva and Sybil had finally found their room. Sybil had insisted that she could divine where their room was. Minerva noticed that when she had finally gotten it right, she had been "divining" in front of a map of the floor.

"Finally," panted Minerva as she unlocked the door with her wand, as Albus and Filius had done. As she slowly unpacked her things by hand, she put each item in a specific place in the drawers, ending with her tartan cookie tin on the top. That was when she noticed the change in lighting. She turned around to see that Sybil had draped shawls over the lamps, altering their light, and lit incenses on the bedside table between the two beds. She growled lowly, but said nothing. This would be a very long trip, undoubtedly. She picked up the pamphlet which listed the different activities available at the hotel. Her still weak leg restricted her from many of them, though she may have to try the salon, or perhaps a massage.

"The Spirits! The SPIRITS!" moaned Sybil.

Minerva said nothing, but silent promised to do Albus great bodily harm soon.

"Minerva, you mustn't go to the gym tonight… I foresee a terrible accident shall be happening there. I do not wish you harmed!"

Minerva fought very hard not to curse her roommate. She picked up another pamphlet, which listed the different seminars. "Hmm," she said, trying to change the subject. "tomorrow's topic is…"

"It has something to do with teaching," Sybil said sagely, as if this were a great mystery.

"Actually, It's called "Re-Connecting with Your Inner Teenager"," Minerva replied dryly. "But yes, I suppose that does have something to do with teaching."

Sybil grinned smugly, and Minerva once again had to fight back her desire to do the woman bodily harm.

* * *

Night fell and the Hogwarts staff returned to their rooms. Severus, however, had a harder time of doing so, as he had to prove his identity to Mad-Eye using six forms of identification, a blood-ward, and two separate interrogations. Even then, Moody growled, "I'm still not certain," but begrudgingly let the potions master.

'Is Azkaban that bad?' Severus wondered darkly as he changed for bed.

* * *

Just as Charlie and Bill were settled down for the night, they heard a disturbing sound against their wall.

"Thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk" along with the squeek of springs.

"Mom and dad have the room next to ours, don't they," asked Charlie blankly.

"Yes," Bill answered with dread in his voice. He took his pillow and covered his ears.

Charlie did the same, but as he did so, he prayed that pregnancy would not be a result, as he did every anniversary and birthday.


End file.
